Should I Force My Kid to Hug Relatives When They Don't Want To?
No, get a grip (but ask first!)
Social media is full of all manner of microcontroversies. Usually these are some small, silly thing that gets quickly blown out of proportion and pretty soon we’re talking about fake moon landings, the Nazis, Jesus Christ, which one is “Pink”, etc1. Mostly, I try to ignore these things. But one, against my better judgement, caught my eye: should you force your kid to hug a relative when they clearly don’t want to?
Here's a link to some of the discourse, including the initial question that went viral. Basically, the initial query was about a relative who forces a 3-year-old to hug her whenever they visit, even though the child clearly doesn’t want to, then makes the child feel guilty for not hugging. This conversation started in some reasonable areas…what etiquette do we expect between kids and their obscure relatives, and who “wins” in the eternal struggle of huggers vs non-huggers. Naturally, from there the conversation spiraled into incoherence, with escalating claims about pedophilia, girls learning they can’t say “no”, suspicion non-huggers are sexual abuse victims, etc. I’m going to ignore that escalating crazy as best I can, and stick to the original, more interesting questions.
Putting on my psychologist hat…should you, basically, force your kid to hug an obscure2 relative when they don’t want to? No. Kids knowing their parents have their back is more important than forcing some random bit of social etiquette on them. I’m not Miss Manners, but I don’t think there’s even any clear rule in the rule book that adults should expect hugs from kids. Of course, kids should be expected to be generically polite, use proper honorifics, give a little greeting, etc.
For adults, I’d suggest offering young kids a fist bump to break the ice. Kids tend to think those are cool and less off-putting. But if the kid is too shy, let it go. Don’t you have bigger things like taxes and impending old age to worry about? And if you want a 3-year-old to feel bad, like that’s a goal you feel happy about, you’re kind of the douchebag here3. No, requiring kids to give obligatory hugs isn’t going to turn them into model citizens, nor is letting them make the choice about when to hug or not going to ruin them for life. They’ll be fine.
Much of the discourse descends into the carousel of escalating catastrophe. If we allow kids not to hug relatives, what next? Cupcakes for breakfast? Skipping homework? Eating their little sister? Murdering their kindergarten class? Worshipping Satan? Joining the Democratic Socialist party? Relax, these things are not all the same. For some reason, people seem to think that letting a kid’s decision take precedence over an adult’s even once will result, ten years later, in that kid peddling smack or their own flesh on the streets. Good parenting doesn’t require curb stomping every decision one’s kid makes. In fact, most parenting decisions don’t matter at all, very likely, one way or another, aside from the decision not to abuse or neglect your kid. Behavioral genetic studies are pretty clear: We obsess over the nuances of parenting, but in fact “shared environment” (i.e., parenting) has little impact on kids’ development.
One X user wrote back what I thought was a reasonable suggestion. They offered: “Encouraging them, and then explaining later why grandma feels sad when you didn’t hug her…” Obviously, I think that’s fine as well. Personally, I’d probably reverse it, let my kid make the decision then explain the adult it’s not personal and suggest a fist bump instead. But, either way, do I think this is one of those critical junctures where a kid either goes on to become the next Mother Theresa or a serial killer? No. Parents need to relax and go with their gut (unless, again, that gut says abuse or neglect).
Where the idea that people who object to hugging might be sexual abuse survivors came from, I’ve no idea. Granted, I’m sure some of that is hyperbolic online discourse on both sides. But not wanting hugs is just kind of a normal thing, probably more common among dispositionally introverted types.
Unfortunately, huggers seem to think that their needs to hug trumps the needs of others not to be hugged. But, again, there’s no real social rule in the US about mandatory hugging. Honestly, if we’re going to talk etiquette, I’d say the proper etiquette is to ask for a hug but be ready to accept a handshake instead if that’s the alternative on offer.
Again, to be clear, I can’t support outright forcing a kid and shaming them publicly. Yeah, that’s probably a bad choice. But other reasonable options, either sticking by the kid’s decision or some gentle encouragement (but not worrying if they then run for the hills) is probably fine. Is substituting a fist bump for a hug really the hill on X we all want to die on? My goodness, everyone, calm down…this isn’t like a trade war with the world or something.
That’s a Pink Floyd reference, in case you didn’t get it. None of them are “Pink.”
I’m being a little cheeky with the word obscure here. I really mean any relative. Let’s not get bogged down in geneology and kinship circles over this.
Of course, we’re all human and have uncharitable thoughts from time to time.