Should We Exile Crazy Uncle Ted for Thanksgiving?

Advice from a psychologist: Exiling relatives solely for politics is probably bad.

In early November, the chief psychiatry resident at Yale went on live television to encourage liberal voters to vocally reject their Trump-supporting family members come time to make plans for Thanksgiving.  This is pretty straightforwardly bad advice for reasons I’ll discuss below, but it does raise some nuances?  When should we avoid certain relatives for the Holidays?

Dr. Amanda Calhoun went on MSNBC and told viewers “So, if you are going into a situation where you have family members, where you have close friends who you know have voted in ways that are against you… it’s completely fine to not be around those people and to tell them why…You know, to say, ‘I have a problem with the way that you voted because it went against my very livelihood, and I’m not going to be around you this holiday. I need to take some space for me.’"  It’s important to note that Dr. Calhoun is advising people to be the aggressive person.  She’s not telling people to avoid relatives who are obnoxiously loud about their politics, or who are verbally abusive, etc., but rather to become that person.  Her advice is not about avoiding Crazy Uncle Ted, but to become Crazy Uncle Ted.

To be sure, people have deeply passionate and earnest views about politics and past elections have been highly polarized.  There has been a lot of catastrophizing on both sides.  But also, repeatedly, we’ve been faced with choices between two very awful political parties and subpar (to say the least) presidential candidates.  The choices people make can be highly complex and, particularly for family, perhaps we owe them a bit of grace even if we feel hurt?

Thanksgiving Rules…no talking politics, religion or sex…evolved for a reason.  Delving into those topics is sure to stir up strife.  They’re best avoided specifically because we can be sure people have varying opinions on them.  So long as our relatives observe these rules, I think we can too.  Cutting ourselves off from family and loved ones…however flawed and imperfect they may be, is dangerous advice. 

But doesn’t their vote mean that they hate gays/working class/immigrants/white dudes/women/Christians/puppies/blue M&Ms/blahblahblah.  Sure.  Maybe?  Or maybe their views are complicated?  Putting them on the spot on Thanksgiving Day in front of an audience isn’t likely to bring out nuances in their views.  And by cutting them off, we miss an opportunity to convince them, via good data and charitability, to alter their views whether by a little or a lot.  Persuasion is difficult, but certainly can’t be achieved without engagement.

In contrast, by taking a haughty and unpleasant morally rigid view condemning our relatives, we have become exactly that relative everyone dreads: The uncharitable person with strong views who, as we age, inevitably becomes the drunk who falls into the punchbowl.

That said, there can be good reasons to avoid certain relatives over the holidays.  Here are my thoughts:

·         I think there is a difference between “Aunt Frilly voted for candidate X who I don’t like, but she doesn’t bring it up much” and “Crazy Uncle Ted refuses to stop talking about candidate Y and how anybody who voted for candidate X is evil and stupid.” In the former case, Aunt Frilly exercised her constitutional right but is otherwise observing Thanksgiving Rules.  If you cut her off anyway, yeah, you’re kind of the bad guy.  But on the other hand, Crazy Uncle Ted isn’t observing Thanksgiving Rules, keeps shifting the conversation toward uncomfortable topics and attacks anyone who disagrees with him.  I think it’s ideal for the host to take him aside and quietly ask he refrain from that line of conversation.  And if Uncle Ted is psychologically unable to do so, I think it’s fine not to invite him next year (albeit with the opportunity for him to reform in future years).  If Uncle Ted is making you feel attacked or vilified (even if indirectly), again, it’s fine to leave (and quietly explain to the host why). 

·         If you just can’t be around your opposite-voting relatives right after a passionate vote, it’s probably best to make a polite excuse…work, travel costs, been feeling under the weather, etc.  Aggressively shoving your politics in their face, particularly with moral condemnation, is ill-advised.

·         No one is under any obligation to spend time with family members who are actively unpleasant, even if this has nothing to do with politics.  I understand there’s probably some gray area here…just how unpleasant does a relative need to be?  Certainly, relatives who are actively bullying, disrespectful, condescending, etc., on an ongoing basis may be worth avoiding.

·         Some families have deep histories of trauma.  People have no obligation to spend time with family members who’ve abused them in any capacity.

My point is that if a difference in politics is the sole reason for exiling a family member or cutting ourselves off from family, that may be a decision worth rethinking.  Doing so may mean that we have more in common with Crazy Uncle Ted than we’d like to admit.  And you never know…it may turn out that, one day, Aunt Frilly has that type-matched kidney we have to come, hat in hand, to ask for…