On Aging
The Grim Reaper comes for us all. But how do we best prepare for his arrival?
This week I turned 55 and, in doing so crossed one of the milestones of getting old. At 50, I got my AARP card something I rather enjoyed (some good restaurant and travel deals!) Now, at 55 I am eligible to move into those 55+ retirement communities. My wife says she’ll miss me.
The move from adolescence to adulthood is marked by successive milestones in our culture. At 16 you might get your driver’s license. By 18, you (hopefully) graduate high school, can join the military and buy cigarettes1 and can vote. Perhaps the most celebrated, at 21 you can legally drink alcohol. Less noticed perhaps, by 25 the age penalties when renting a car mostly go away.
Aging, is kind of like that too…50, get your AARP card, 55+ those special communities, 62 is early retirement, 67 typical retirement and 70 the max beneficial age. At age 65 you can get on Medicare. There are some medical ones too like the start of colonoscopies and the shingles vaccine. I guess we don’t celebrate those with a wild night like we do hitting the drinking age.
My wife and I are on the same page about birthdays meaning to be celebrated. We’re gonna get older anyway, so why not get presents and some cake? We approach it not unlike an 11-year-old would and should. Hell, I’ve had bouncy houses for my birthdays a couple times because bouncy houses are fun and, at this age, who gives a crap what anyone else thinks?
A lot of people are weirdly grumpy about birthdays. There are probably lots of reasons for that, some of them pretty understandable I’d imagine. But hating them because it’s a sign of aging is…well, aging is going to happen anyway, so might as well enjoy the day. I am determined to do 0 work on my birthdays. We kept this one relaxing, so there were a couple good meals, opening of presents, some jogging and pool time, a nice afternoon nap and capped off by some Dungeons and Dragons.
55 isn’t exactly elderly, sure, but it’s definitely late middle age and elderly is around the corner. To put it in perspective, I asked ChatGPT to summarize actuarial statistics on deaths at my age. By 55, 11% of people born in my birth cohort are now dead (14% for males specifically). That’s not tremendous, but that’s not trivial either. By this point, I know a fair number of old friends, work colleagues, people I grew up with, etc., who are dead not from surprise causes (accidents, homicide, suicide, war, natural disaster, etc.), but from what might reasonably be thought of as “old age” diseases (cancer, heart attacks, strokes, etc.) The dam hasn’t broken, but the cracks are a’trickling.
My Substack buddy Todd Kashdan recently posted a simple calculation to guess how many “healthy” years we likely have. The gist of this seems to be that the median person can count on until about age 66 before noticeable quality of life declines begin. I imagine though that this varies quite a bit, depending on current health, parents health during the elderly years, activity level, etc. I can imagine that people who’ve toiled at physical labor all their lives will have the worst of it, as that labor catches up with them. We professors are, by comparison, pampered and perfumed, so there’s that to our benefit. At 55, I feel like I’m in pretty good shape too. I just spent part of March hiking around the volcanoes of Hawaii, so I think I’ve got more than 11 good years in me yet. One recent study suggested that, far from a progressive decline, we tend to experience rapid shifts at age 44 and 60. If that’s true, I think I navigated 44 pretty well. I’d say, for the most part, I can still do most of what I could do at 25. I’m pretty optimistic at getting into my 80s with decent physical health as my dad did.
In many ways, the 50s bring real benefits. I have far more social and financial security than I did in my 20s. I think I’m generally more relaxed, though I was always a fairly happy camper. There are definitely downsides…this period is often referred to as the sandwich generation, as people may still be taking care of kids, but also their declining parents. And, yeah I hear that.
A lot of satisfaction in the 50s too I imagine depends on how successful one feels they are. Famous psychologist Erik Erikson talked about various life stages, including about Integrity vs Despair as a kind of final stage of reflection. In that stage we look back to see how worthwhile our life was, did we meet our goals, etc2. Although Erikson thought of this clearly as a post-retirement reflection, I imagine some of this begins in the 50s. The sand is running out of the timepiece and, if life goals haven’t been met, it’s increasingly unlikely that they will be. Suicide continues to increase through the 50s (middle aged people commit suicide far more frequently compared to teens, contrary to public belief). Yes, I know I’m inviting anecdotes of folks who changed life course at 55, dumped their unfulfilling job, and became a world-famous astrophysicist, curing cancer and writing a successful series of children’s books on the side. But that’s just not the norm. I’ve been fortunate…have an amazing wife and cool son, a job I (mostly3) like, the opportunity to travel, lots of time to engage in hobbies, etc. I’ve written a few works of fiction (which you should definitely buy4), so there’s a lot I’m proud of5. But I can imagine for those who didn’t quite hit their goals, the pressure and urgency must really ratchet up.
Of course, it’s hard not to reflect not just on the potential for physical decline, but also the inevitability of death. I find myself not worrying yet about it too much…of course, I will miss me! As a deist, I guess I’m a bit more optimistic than some that a great mystery awaits. Of course, there’s only one way to really know what, if anything, comes next.
I think too, much of the anxiety over death comes from the inevitability of being forgotten. Do you remember who your great grandparents were or great-great grandpanrets6 were? Even famous people tend to be forgotten surprisingly fast, with a few exceptions of the Julius Caesar caliber. I recently came across this image:
It’s a fun picture, and it’s of Mary Pickford, contemplating women getting the vote in 1920. Pickford lived a very colorful life it turns out and was actually one of the most famous movie stars of the silent movie age. But have you ever heard of her? Death anonymity is nearly universal, even for those who lived remarkably impressive lives. Do you remember who your state senators were in 1925 or the congressperson for your congressional district 100 years ago? Do you know who they are now, haha? Point being, within 100 years even our descendants won’t know who we are. I think that plays more role in the psychology of aging7 than we often acknowledge and can lead to a lot of irrationality of the “clinging to the past” variety.
So, overall, aging isn’t necessarily bad. Navigate it as well as you can, stay active, watch the booze and the ciggies, and stay social. And hope for a bit of luck. And I’ll see you on the other side.
Which is also a great way to bring on premature aging and death.
Of course, it’s too late to do much about it if not.
The only real downside is the minority of academics who can be real assholes.
If you’re interested in a signed copy, $15 gets you one postage included anywhere in the US. Shoot me a message.
I never did become a rock star, but that’s probably for the best too.
Unless you’re an ancestry fanatic that is.
Although perhaps the general public tends to view aging negatively, I think a lot of academia tries to put an unrealistically positive spin on it. My impression is that it’s generally hard to openly discuss the benefits and pitfalls of aging without descending into platitudes.